Following is an assortment of stories and sayings that I think will tickle your funnybone. I deemed it appropriate to begin this fun stuff with advice from author Barbara Johnson, which we would all do well to follow.
Become A Child Again
How long since you did some fun, childlike things? Simple things, like eating watermelon on top of the watertower at midnight? Or jumping into piles of autumn leaves? Or gathering big armfuls of lilacs and bringing them to friends so their homes would smell like spring? The value of fun lies in the spirit of it, whether it is climbing windmills, or marching in a parade, or going up on the down escalator. Break out of your little plastic mold and become a real dingy person (not din-GEE, but DING-ee), even if people think you are fresh out of a rubber room. Laughing helps. It's like jogging on the inside.
[From "Fresh Elastic For Stretched Out Moms"]
The Prodigal Son (In the key of "F")
Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the farthings and flew to foreign fields and frittered his fortune, feasting fabulously with faithless friends. Fleeced by his fellows in flooy, and facing famine, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famishing, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from fodder fragments.
"Fooey! My father's flunkies fare far finer," the frazzled fugitive forlornly fumbled, frankly facing facts. Frustrated by failure and filled with forboding, he fled forthwith to his family. Falling at his father's feet, he forlornly fumbled. "Father, I've flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor!"
The farsighted father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch a fatling from the flock and fix a feast. The fugitive's fault-finding brother frowned on fickle forgiveness of former folderol. But the faithful father figured, "Filial fidelity is fine, but the fugitive is found! What forbids fervent festivity? Let flags be unfurled. Let fanfares flare."
And the father's forgiveness formed the foundation for the former fugitive's future fortitude.
Biblical Laws for Children
Household Principles for Children Based on the Old Testament
(Lamentations of a Father)
Laws of Forbidden Places:
Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all
foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living
room.
Of the hoofed animals, broiled or ground into burgers, you may eat, but
not in the living room.
Of the cloven-hoofed animal, plain or with cheese, you may eat, but not
in the living room.
Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and
of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you
may eat, but not in the living room.
Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you
may eat, but absolutely not in the living room.
Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you
may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein.
Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of
any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you
eat in the living room.
Laws When at Table:
And if you are seated in your high chair, or in a chair such as a
greater person might use, keep your legs and feet below you as they
were.
Neither raise up your knees, nor place your feet upon the table, for
that is an abomination to me. Yes, even when you have an interesting bandage to show, your feet upon the table are an abomination, and worthy of rebuke.
Drink your milk as it is given you, neither use on it any utensils, nor
fork, nor knife, nor spoon, for that is not what they are for; if you
will dip your blocks in the milk, and lick it off, you will be sent
away.
When you have drunk, let the empty cup then remain upon the table, and
do not bite it upon its edge and by your teeth hold it to your face in
order to make noises in it sounding like a duck: for you will be sent away.
When you chew your food, keep your mouth closed until you have
swallowed, and do not open it to show your brother or your sister what
is within; I say to you, do not so, even if your brother or your sister has done the same to you.
Eat your food only; do not eat that which is not food; neither seize the
table between your jaws, nor use the raiment of the table to wipe your
lips.
I say again to you, do not touch it, but leave it as it is.
And though your stick of carrot does indeed resemble a marker, draw not
with it upon the table, even in pretend, for we do not do that, that is why.
And though the pieces of broccoli are very like small trees, do not
stand them upright to make a forest, because we do not do that, that is
why.
Sit just as I have told you, and do not lean to one side or the other
nor slide down until you are nearly slid away. Heed me; for if you sit
like that, your hair will go into the syrup. And now behold, even as I
have said, it has come to pass.
Laws Pertaining to Dessert:
For we judge between the plate that is unclean and the plate that is
clean, saying first, if the plate is clean, then you shall have dessert.
But of the unclean plate, the laws are these:
If you have eaten most of your meat, and two bites of your peas with
each bite consisting of not less than three peas each, or in total six
peas, eaten where I can see, and you have also eaten enough of your
potatoes to fill two forks, both forkfuls eaten where I can see, then
you shall have dessert.
But if you eat a lesser number of peas, and yet you eat the potatoes,
still you shall not have dessert; and if you eat the peas, yet leave the
potatoes uneaten, you shall not have dessert, no, not even a small
portion thereof.
And if you try to deceive by moving the potatoes or peas around with a
fork, that it may appear you have eaten what you have not, you will fall into iniquity. And I will know, and you shall have no dessert.
On Screaming:
Do not scream; for it is as if you scream all the time.
If you are given a plate on which two foods you do not wish to touch
each other, are touching each other, your voice rises up even to the
ceiling, while you point to the offense with the finger of your right
hand; but I say to you, scream not, only remonstrate gently with the server, that the server may correct the fault.
Likewise if you receive a portion of fish from which every piece of
herbal seasoning has not been scraped off, and the herbal seasoning is
loathsome to you and steeped in vileness, again I say, refrain from screaming.
Though the vileness overwhelm you, and cause you a faint unto death,
make not that sound from within your throat, neither cover your face,
nor press your fingers to your nose. For even I have made the fish as it
should be; behold, I eat it myself, yet do not die.
Concerning Face and Hands:
Cast your countenance upward to the light, and lift your eyes to the
hills, that I may more easily wash you off. For the stains are upon you;
even to the very back of your head, there is rice thereon.
And in the breast pocket of your garment, and upon the tie of your shoe,
rice and other fragments are distributed in a manner wonderful to see.
Only hold yourself still; hold still, I say.
Give each finger in its turn for my examination thereof, and also each
thumb.
Lo, how iniquitous they appear. What I do is as it must be; and you
shall not go hence until I have done.
Various Other Laws, Statutes, and Ordinances:
Bite not, lest you be cast into quiet time.
Neither drink of your own bath water, nor of the bath water of any kind;
nor rub your feet on bread, even if it be in the package; nor rub yourself against cars, not against any building; nor eat sand.
Leave the cat alone, for what has the cat done, that you should so
afflict it with tape?
And hum not the humming in your nose as I read, nor stand between the
light and the book. Indeed, you will drive me to madness. Nor forget
what I said about the tape.
Amen!
Explaining God
(This was written by 8 year old Danny Dutton, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God.")
One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the
ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.
He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies. I think because they are smaller
and easier to make. That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to Mothers and Fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime and meals. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio
or TV because of this. Because He hears everything there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps
Him pretty busy, so you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any
in my town. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water
and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and
they crucified Him. He was good and kind like His Father and He told His
Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OKAY.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard
work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore, He could stay in heaven. So He did. Now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of Himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.
You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they
got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God. Don't skip church to
do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is
wrong! And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon
anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very
lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp,
but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the
dark or when you can't swim very good and get thrown into real deep water by big kids. But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
And that's why I believe in God.
Your Bible Questions Answered Here
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah; he was floating his stock while everyone was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter; she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar; he was on grass for seven years.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda... because the apostles were all in one Accord.
2 Cor. 4:8 describes going out in service in a Volkswagen, "We are pressed in every way, but not cramped beyond movement."
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson; he brought the house down.
Q. Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
A. In the Big Inning, Eve stole first, Adam stole second, Cain struck out Abel, and the Prodigal Son came home.
The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first thing that Adam and Eve did after they were kicked out?
A. They really raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.
Q. How long did Cain hate his brother?
A. As long as he was Abel.
Q. What was the last thing Noah said before he entered the ark?
A. So long, Fellers!
Q. The ark was built in 3 stories and the top story had a window to let light in, but how did they get light to the bottom 2 stories?
A. They used floodlights.
Q. After the flood, how many people left the ark ahead of Noah?
A. 3, because the Bible says that Noah went forth out of the ark.
Q. Where is the first mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When Adam and Eve needed more coverage.
Q. Where is another mention of insurance in the Bible?
A. When David gave Goliath a piece of the rock.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David; he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. Why was Goliath so surprised when David hit him with a slingshot?
A. It had never entered his head before.
Q. If Goliath is resurrected, would you like to tell him the joke about David and Goliath?
A. No, he already fell for it once.
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Why won't we drink milk in the new world?
A. Because, at Armageddon, there will be udder destruction.
Q. Why shouldn't Christians watch TV?
A. At the transfiguration, Jesus said, "Tell the vision to no one."
Q. Who was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Who was known as a mathematician in the Bible?
A. Moses; he wrote the book of Numbers.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan; the banks were always overflowing.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because Job 16:12, 14, 16 says, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."
Q. Will there be dogs in the new world?
A. No, 2 Peter 3:14 tells us that we will be without spot.
Q. Who was the straightest man in the bible?
A. Joseph, because the Pharaoh made him a ruler.
Wisdom From Senior Citizens
I started with nothing. I still have most of it.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all-bran?
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
If all is not lost, where is it?
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
I went to school to become a wit. Only got halfway though.
Some days you're the dog, and some days you're the hydrant.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on death's door, Ring the bell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you are finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide
to play chess?
If you are living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seatbelt.
There are two kinds of pedestrians. The quick and the dead.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses. They are everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Technology for Country Folk
As a public service intended to keep you all on the cutting edge of the latest teknalagikal terminology, we are pleased to offer the following edukashunul document (you will be tested):
Log On: Making a wood stove hotter
Log Off: Don't add no more wood
Monitor: Keeping an eye on the wood stove
Download: Gettin the farwood off the truck
Mega Hertz: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
Floppy Disc: Whatcha git fron tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
Hard Drive: Gettin home in the winter time
Prompt: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
Windows: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
Screen: Whut to shut when it's black fly season
Byte: Whut dem dang flys do
Chip: Munchies fer the TV
Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag
Modem: Whatcha did to the hay fields
Dot Matrix: Old Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop: Whar the kitty sleeps
Keyboard: Whar ya hang the dang truck keys
Software: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
Mouse: Whut eats the grain in the barn
Mouse Pad: Hippie talk fer the mouse hole
Main Frame: Holds up the barn ruf
Port: Fancy flatlander wine
Enter: Northern talk fer "C'mon in, y'all"
Random Access Memory: When ya cain't remember whut you paid fer the
rifle
The Bible According To Kids
"In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off."
"Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree."
"Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark."
"Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears."
"Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night."
"The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble
with the unsympathetic Genitals."
"Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles."
"Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavene bread,
which is bread without any ingredients."
"The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments."
"The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultry."
"Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews
in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua
told his son to stand still and he obeyed him."
"David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times."
"Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines."
"When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta."
"When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manger. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption."
"St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head."
"Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, 'a man doth not live by sweat alone'."
"It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels."
"The epistles were the wives of the apostles."
"One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan."
"St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage."
"A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony."
Church Football
Quarterback Sneak - Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.
Draw Play - What many children do with the bulletin during worship.
Half-time - The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.
Bench Warmer - Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.
Backfield-in-Motion - Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
Staying in the Pocket - What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord's work.
Two-minute Warning - The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
Instant Replay - The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week's illustrations.
Sudden Death - What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes "overtime."
Trap - You're called on to pray and are asleep.
End Run - Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
Flex Defense - The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.
Halfback Option - The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
Blitz - The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.
When Motorists Collide With Words
(From Ann Landers' column)
These are actual replies submitted by policyholders, asked by their insurance company for a brief statement describing their traffic accident.
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I thought my window was down, but found it was up when I put my hand through it".
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
"The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before"
"I was on my way to the doctor's with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident."
"As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident."
"The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end."
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian."
"My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
"When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over."
"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
Travel Lightly
The following are actual signs posted in fractured English in hotels, shops and airports of various countries.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the U.S.S.R., you are welcome to it.
At a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are the best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
Food for Thought
Stan Buck tells the story about a little girl who, on the way home from
church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the preacher's sermon
this morning confused me."
The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?
The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that
true?"
"Yes, that's true," the mother replied.
"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true too?"
Again the mother replied, "Yes."
"Well," said the girl. "if God is bigger than us and he lives in us,
wouldn't he show through?"
My furballs and funstuff pages were created in the fanciful font "Minya Nouvelle" by Ray Larabie. If you don't have it, get it here for free; you'll love it!
Music MIDI from Dazzle's Country MIDIs
