 
(Dealing with Desperately Wanting
Something I May Never Have)
(NEWS FLASH. . . . . At the time I wrote this page, and up until fall '04, I honestly believed my dream as outlined below would indeed never become a reality. So I wrote the following modern-day lamentation to commemorate a deep longing that I felt would never be realized. By fall '04, hope sprung anew that, miracle of all miracles, this rainbow would actually be caught. By summer '06, though it wouldn't be a rustic log cabin or a Dutch Colonial out of a magazine page, I had reason to believe we WOULD have a little house I can actually fix up, have company over, and have a real-life expression of what, up till late '04 (and even beyond then with all the delays and glitches), had been a cyber fantasy only. The loooong-awaited home planning blog can be read here!! But first, read on to learn the degree of ongoing pain felt by one who truly foresaw she would never, ever have a cute, respectable dwelling to call her very own.....)
 
When I began my first web site in early 1998, my husband and I had moved onto our acreage in rural Kitsap County, Washington almost six years before. Almost from my site's beginning, I had the comment on my intro page that I prayed I would be able to include, before long, a building chronicle of the house I longed for - but over six years later, we are still nowhere near achieving that dream. So, at least for now, I have instead created this page relating my unanswered prayer.....my still-distant dream that, unless God intervenes, will remain a dream.
In April '92, we placed an old 70s singlewide mobile home on our land and moved into what was supposed to be our temporary residence, as we had every intention of building a log home here. I never would have imagined that over twelve years later, we would still be stuck in this "temporary" interim shelter, which by now (between normal wear and tear, and help from our large dogs) is becoming increasingly rundown. The doors don't work, the floor has holes in it which had to be covered with boards, the water has to be turned back on outside at least once a day, and there is a big hole in the living room rug, courtesy of our hyperactive Great Pyrenees, Heidi. When our dogs, Farley and Tessa, were puppies living inside in '92 and dug up much of the kitchen flooring, I joked in that year's Christmas letter that they agreed the avocado, gold and white 70s print flooring was ugly so they were just helping remove it so it could be replaced. We never replaced it, partly because we never imagined we would be forced to remain in this old, tiny, ugly tin wonder anywhere near this long. My dream, virtually all my life, throughout all the apartments I lived in with my parents and then with my husband, has been to have a house - nothing fancy, just a cute, modest little house I could fix up and feel some pride of ownership in - and not cringe over the thought of anyone seeing where I live. But as the years go by and our finances have gone from bad to worse - as much as I want to maintain hope that this can still happen, it becomes increasingly hard to do so - and my heart breaks a little bit more each day....
Here is a picture of our "home". Oh OK, that's a slight exaggeration.... |  |
 | This is a little closer to the truth. I suppose it even looks a little better than this. But not much! We have a whopping 672 square feet, including a long, narrow hallway that is pretty much wasted space. |
My best friend didn't have a "real house" till a few years ago. It's a farmhouse style of architecture, sort of like this. I am honestly happy for her, and yet a big part of me longs so desperately for what she has. I wish it didn't hurt me so much to live in what I consider a "dump". But I guess it's a woman's domestic nature to want her own little house. As you can probably tell from my web site, I have a good eye for design. But my "cyber home" has remained the only avenue I have to put it into practice. |  |
 | It's also "the American way". I try to remind myself, literally every day, that there are people in Third World countries who would be ecstatic to live where we do. I sponsor a little girl in Ecuador through Children International who literally does live in a shack. It does help me keep things in perspective. But still, especially with my husband having been in real estate, I hear regularly about people who are able to buy a house - and it does hurt, because we have been working hard for years and I feel we have hardly nothing to show for it. |
I also have had a good husband for 26 years, and when you get right down to it, I would rather live in sub-standard conditions with him than in a mansion alone. And yet....I still don't think it's too much to ask to just have a cute little place I could fix up and not just a cyber refuge. 1,200 square feet would feel huge to me. But we haven't even been able to build a doghouse for our dogs. |  |
 | For years, I have continued to read magazines such as Coastal Living, Country Home and Country Living. I clip and save pictures of home exteriors and room interiors that are like those I hope to have one day, and file them in a folder. The house pictured here is in Boulder, CO and is my favorite style of architecture - Dutch Colonial. This is the style of house I would most like to have. This one was built in the 1890s. One of the main characteristics is a Gambrel roof, which is shaped like the bottom of a boat. This type of roof, and just the entire look of this style of house, has just always appealed to me. |
I searched online and actually found a log home with a Gambrel roof. This one is called Gatlinburg and is a Lincoln Log Home kit. It has 1,700+ square feet including the porch, which to me would feel huge. Several years ago, Rex and I took a class on how to build a log home from scratch. But if we are ever in a position, God willing, to be able to have a house, I think it would be more practical to seek a kit. I love this one! |  |
 | I often think of what I want in a house. The obvious feature would be enough SPACE so that having a few knickknacks and stuffed animals, both of which I like, looks cute rather than cluttered. I always feel I am drowning in CLUTTER. I'd love to have a fireplace in the living room - and overstuffed wing chairs instead of the worn-out beige Swedish-style recliners we've been stuck with for years. I want a color scheme of burgundy, sage, and cream, with some peach and bright navy accents, throughout the home. I am already trying to incorporate those colors here in the mobile - but trying to decorate this place is sort of like putting a tutu on a pig. (Hey, if I didn't have a sense of humor, I'd have gone crazy long ago!) |
I especially love to decorate for Christmas - but all I can do now is put an 18" tree and a few figurines on the small shelf separating my postage-stamp kitchen from my small living room. |  |
 | This is pretty much what my dream kitchen would look like. One of my least favorite things about this mobile, besides how cluttered and rundown it is, is that I have virtually no room in the tiny kitchen to cook. I like to cook, but do very little of it, since I get tired of balancing bowls between the sink and what tiny amount of counter space there is. I long for a kitchen with an island where I would have room to spread things out and get creative with my cooking. I have so many recipes I would like to try - but when you don't have any room to work with, it takes the fun out of trying new things or even making old standby favorites. |
I'd love to have a bathroom as least twice as big as this - one where, when your Great Pyrenees dog lays on the floor, she doesn't take up virtually the whole floor. I'd also prefer to have almond-colored fixtures in both the bathroom and kitchen. But I'd LOVE to have an old-fashioned clawfoot bathtub and pedestal sink similar to these. It would also be incredible to actually have more than one bathroom! |  |
 
| That's really it in a nutshell - like I said, I don't think it's asking for too much. There are a few other things that I also dream about that have not been able to happen. I want to have a car that's less than 10 years old (for several months, I haven't had any car since our other car died and Rex had to take mine over, so right now I'd settle for ANY car). I want to see Paris and Australia, and to go on a cruise. These are things that I do have a little hope for achieving sometime in my life. But it is so expensive to get a house, even in this county where you can get much more for your money than in Seattle. I honestly do try to maintain hope that it can still happen somehow. But with my not having had a permanent job from mid 2001 to fall 2004, my fondest dream only seems to have become more distant than ever.... |
So I will continue to be thankful for what I do have - my husband, my dogs, my church, my job, my ability to crochet and to design web pages, my close friend Dianne and my online friends. I will continue to try to put this distant dream in the back of my mind so that it doesn't eat me up inside, the way it does when I think about it too much. I will continue to faithfully enter a few online sweepstakes every day and pray for divine intervention. And if by some miracle, God should grant my wish and allow Rex and me to be like the couple pictured here, you will read all about it here on my cyber refuge. Till then, like the song says....."in my solitude, you haunt me with reveries of days gone by....." |  
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(Epilogue: Miracles do happen and 2007 became the year for ours! My home planning blog, which was finally followed in '07 by the HOUSE, is HERE! Read it for the saga of a dream becoming a reality.....)
  
(Sadly, Lil Kitty, a talented creator of beautiful web graphics including those on this page, has vanished from the Internet.)
"Dream Orphans" - official font of The Evergreen Refuge - download here
Icons from ClipArt.com
Music MIDI performed by pianist Margi Harrell
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